Birthdays

When we are young our birthdays are so exciting.. we can't wait to be older and grow up. Then somewhere along the line, we stop being as enthused to grow older and don't need all the attention. Then we hit a point where we wish we could turn back the clock.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately because mine is coming up next month. I will be 44 and I admit I'm scared. Anytime anyone tells me they are 44 I'm scared. It's irrational. It's ... superstitious? All I know is that numbers feel powerful to me. I'm not great at math either. But I know what "young" and "old" numbers are. And to me, 44 is still young. Right?

Our dad Ricky was 44 when he passed away and it happened to be 2 days before his 45th birthday. Ricky never liked his birthday, even as a child. That thought always made me so sad. How could a child NOT like their birthday? Well, children don't like their birthday when they are in a children's home in a bad part of Stockton CA for 11 years. For those children, and for our dad, birthdays aren't the "party" we think of them as. 

When Ricky passed, it actually made sense that it came 2 days before his birthday. Maybe his "mania" was actually anxiety for an event that he knew was inevitable. I believe we know things somehow... like a silent whisper in our soul. The not so funny thing is that I knew too. 2 weeks before he passed I got this fear, this anxiety that I had never had before. I got really paranoid. I thought something was going to happen to me, I was sure of it. Well the last day I saw him, I asked him to be at my house when I got home because I really wanted to talk to him. I wanted to talk to HIM about it. But I never got the chance. 

This year will make 20 since we lost him. Which is significant to me as well. It's been 20 years! It's still like yesterday in my mind... and my memory is not great but some things become permanently etched and that is one of them. To lose Eli this year and for my 44th birthday to be this year ~ my nerves are on edge. Am I getting the birthday anxiety? Do I know something that I don't want to admit to myself? Damn. 

Those thoughts creep up but I know that I can't change fate. If my story is written already, then I better keep pressing on until I can't anymore. And if we are to evolve, we have to learn from mistakes. I want to say right now that I don't think my father or my brother made a mistake. But I know that if they had the choice, they would not have left us behind. Both of the most important men in my life were lost to opioids. That is a hard pill to swallow. But knowing that information, I can go a different path. Logically, if I do not use opioids then my life will not end that way.....

I guess that is the only thing that gives me comfort as my birthday inches closer. The idea that I am following their example and I am changing course in their honor. I swear I can feel them cheering me on and it's helping. Like they are just beyond the other side of a sheet in a big fort we call Earth. Birthdays sure can stir up a lot of feelings. 

**P.S. The photo attached is of my birthday celebration in 2019. That whole set of photos all turned out so cute ~ I'm so glad I have them**